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Build A Big House

Yo, this is The House again, representing downright dirty offseason eating for mass gains. When I get done dieting my ass off for a show, I definitely look forward to the serious business of eating in the offseason. I think the offseason should be called the onseason, because the only thing that is coming “off” is my ass skipping that muscle-destroying cardio equipment and the “on” would be that of extra weight gain. So yeah, I don't do cardio during my mass building phase. During my mass phases, I pack on the calories and don’t want to fucking waste them doing unnecessary movements. I take it so far that I will not even do yard work when I am trying to gain weight--just ask the missus. Every calorie you can save puts you that much closer to that extra pound of weight on that great scale of truth—the stage.

Meal #1: Eggs & Oats… Mmm mmm Good.

I wake up hungry, craving food as if I have not eaten in days… Wanting to feed the inner Animal that lurks deep inside us all. When I hit the kitchen, the first thing I see are the mounds of dirty dishes from all the cooking and eating that I have done from these mass eating days. I use the same damn pan every morning for my first mass meal... My lucky pan. When I pull open my refrigerator, I pull out my favorite food--the incredible but simple mass building egg. For this meal I begin to crack, one by one, twelve whole eggs into my pan for some massive scrambling fun. While my eggs are cooking, I make my way over to the microwave and mix up some famous House oat cookies. I made this awesome bodybuilder-friendly oat cookie… Even the average person would like them. All you have to do is take 1/2 cup oats, add tons of Splenda with 1/4 cup water and cook it in the microwave for four minutes… And just like that, you have an oat cookie. Make sure you use a hardcore microwavable container... I have burnt through more than I care to mention. I make one cup of oat cookies and boil a pot of strong, hot black coffee and wait for my eggs. While I eat my meal, I am getting all my other meals ready for the rest of the day. A total of six meals will be taken in during a good mass building diet. One must eat big to get big.

Meal #2: The Mass Shake… It’s Just A Snack

Three hours after sucking down my last bit of eggs and oat cookie, I get to have one of my favorite mass day meals--the mass shake. This thick, protein-rich shake is sure to put on some quality and not so quality weight on your frame... Just remember this is a mass phase not a cutting phase, so bottoms up brothers. My second meal comes at eight in the fucking morning. Yeah, I know that means the first one is at five, but hey the earlier you get up the more meals you can eat, right? At this time I am at work so try to envision me making this meal right in the gym where I work. First I take my shaker cup and fill it up with some room temperature water--about sixteen ounces. Then I add three huge scoops of Ultra Whey Pro (about 60g of protein). Along with the protein, I ad some special ingredients--4 tablespoons of creamy peanut butter, one cup of oats, and ten grams of creatine. This shake goes down nice and easy.

Meal #3: The Lunch Munch Crunch

Ok, you get the idea… Three hours later--lunch. This is the most awkward time for a bodybuilder on a mass diet. Well, when you eat lunch with normal people, they just don’t understand how we eat. My food of choice at this time of day is fish. The smell of hot fish just wakes me up and makes everyone leave the room so it is a good meal for me at this time. I eat different types of fish. My fish of choice is usually tuna because it comes in a can and I don’t have to cook it. Easy. I will eat two small cans with one cup of rice measured dry then cooked in my best friend--the microwave. When my rice is cooked I mix the tuna with it. This is a great combo--sometimes I add some hot sauce to spice things up. After I eat this, I then eat some more peanut butter straight out of the jar. At lunch time I also take my Animal Pak down with some water. During a mass eating phase I try to consume one to two gallons of water a day, just to keep everything moving--if you know what I mean.

Meal #4: The Pre-Workout Ritual

My pre-workout meal is another shake. I do the shake because it is lighter on the system than solid food. This mass shake is different. This one is full of supplements and not all that junk like the first shake of the day. This shake consists of forty grams of protein, a pack of Animal Pump, and one packet of Animal Nitro G. I mix it all together in my shaker cup, wash down the Pump--down the hatch. This meal is very important because it gives me lots of fuel for my workout and gets in some high quality supplements. I just added Animal Pump to my program and let me tell you, it kicks some serious ass. I like to take a shake in before my workouts, not after. I just feel better doing it this way. After my workouts, I want to get solid food into replenish the major abuse my body takes from the workout.

Meal #5: The Post-Workout Put Away

After the beating of a great workout, I treat my body to its favorite food--red meat. There is nothing better than eating some red meat on the rare side after a workout. Getting some of that primal animal blood into the body helps repair the muscle that you worked so hard for. I try to eat around ten to twelve ounces of red meat. The type of red meat will change, but I try to keep it kinda lean. During this meal I also eat carbs. I will eat one of the three choices: baked potato, baked yam, or baked sweet potato. I simply try to get around seventy grams of carbs. After this meal, my body feels great. I also take in my post workout supplements while I am cooking this meal. My post workout supplement consists of Animal Nitro. Like the quick rush of EAAs after I lift.

Meal # 6: The Bed Time Banquet

On meal six, I like to choose a meal that will last longer in digestion. That way, I will not wake up in the middle of the night wanting to gnaw my fucking arm off. Don’t be afraid to eat carbs before bed in a mass building phase... Remember, you only grow when you sleep. My carb of choice for this meal is oats because they burn slow and will last longer in the body. I eat my oats along with some chicken breast. I feel like I get my best sleep if I eat chicken at this last meal. I aim to eat around twelve ounces of chicken. If I do wake up in the middle of the night, I will curb my hunger with a spoonful of peanut butter… I always keep it on the night stand.

When I am in a mass building phase, I just eat and try to feed my body what it needs. When I do this, I will gain some fat weight… But so what? I can take care of that later with my good friend cardio, and his cousin low carbs. Simple fact is, the more calories you take in, the more you will gain, plain and simple. Listen, don’t be scared to get fat… When you shed the fat you will see the hard work and all the gains on stage. You can be lean and mean on a diet or fat and happy eating for size. That is difference between the onseason and the offseason.

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